When Jiminy Cricket said, “Let your conscience be your guide,” he didn’t know my conscience.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my conscience. It keeps me on the straight and narrow. But honestly, there are times I wish I could ditch it.
Like the time it made me march myself back into the dollar store because I was charged for one item too few. I had to stand in a longer line than the one I’d just been in, all so I could explain that I owed them… one dollar.
Any other conscience would be like, “It’s a dollar. Forget about it.” But noooooo, not my conscience. My conscience makes a conscious effort to make me look crazy.
It’s like when I buy fennel. I have to ask the clerk to be sure and ring it up at $1.99 each, not per pound. I go into this long spiel about how I always end up in the customer service line because the fennel rings up wrong and I’m undercharged.
One time the clerk looked at me like I was nuts. “Oh,” she said. “When stuff like that happens to me, I figure it’s the universe sending me a gift. I just go with it.”
“Wow!” I thought. And her conscience lets her get away with that? Swweeeeeet. My conscience needs to have a talk with her conscience, but unfortunately, it only talks to me.
My conscience is constantly looking for ways to make me responsible. It has now rooked me into being the contact for the defunct Howard Life Insurance Company.
Who? That’s what I said. The only person I know with the name Howard is my dad.
But about a year ago, I began receiving numerous calls from distraught individuals looking for the policies of their dearly beloved. Thanks to my investigative skills and Taurus the Bull persistence, I solved the mystery. Turns out that my cell number was listed with the Texas Department of Insurance as a contact for Howard Life. After more research, I tracked down a name and number of the company that took over the policies.
My conscience loved this. I had sealed my fate as the official Howard Life, Go-to-Girl. It was now up to me to help direct these people to the right place. And my conscience wasn’t letting me say no.
So listen, if you try to call me and I answer “Howard Life Insurance,” just ask my conscience to put me on.