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Published: Wednesday, Oct. 07, 2009 / Updated: Wednesday, Nov. 11, 2009 04:56 PM

Ask Dr. Jay: What to do about fanatic dad?

Dear Dr. Jay,

My husband has gotten a bit out of hand at our son's football games sometimes even to the point of yelling at him, referees, or coaches. My son is only 13 and I wonder how bad this is going to get, or how to get it to stop? He says he is very proud of our son and just wants him to do his best and actually does not consider what he is doing as "yelling."

Hi there,

Unfortunately you are describing something that has a rather large, grey area of interpretation. Often we find ourselves at odds with others, including our spouses, as to how much "spirited support" we give to an event. For example, my personal protocol at graduations is to clap politely when someone's name is called to come up and receive their diploma. Some people upon hearing their child's name stand, holler, clang cowbells, hold up banners, etc. This always makes me feel like they're saying "Oh my gosh Johnny, we never thought you'd freakin' make it!"

I am relieved potential employers are rarely present at graduation ceremonies.

Another one of my favorites is the exact situation you are describing – little league fanatical parents. Like yourself, probably, I sit and clap when they do well and say "awww" when they do not. Some launch into a tirade complaining about the coach (who most likely is a volunteer dad with a son or daughter on the team) or the referee (who is probably doing this as a second gig and thought it sounded far more exciting than crossing guard).

About all you can do is try to explain to your husband that although he is trying to make things better, he is actually making them worse. The world is full of this, just look at our government. If he does not consider it yelling then what does he call it?

State that you are not comfortable sitting near this, he is upsetting your son, and it is no fun for parents around him. He'll probably say something that waters it down to the tune of "trying to get the most out of his boy" or "making sure the referee is doing his job."

If the calm, rational approach does not work then try this: Next Sunday put a cowbell in your purse when headed out to church. Just as the preacher finishes the sermon and says "let us pray" stand up and start clanging. Let yourself be heard, sister! Yell that last week's sermon was 20 minutes and this was only 18. After all, you are only trying to "make sure the preacher is doing his job.” It is not yelling that you are doing, it is "spirited support" (some will think quite literally).

Afterwards, explain to your husband that you are proud of this church and you just want it to do its best. This should work. Also, feel free to substitute different things for church: his work, his golf, while he's hunting, etc. There's nothing deer respond to more favorably than yelling and cowbells.